I said that to a client this evening. The message was for both myself and my client, and it was channeled with a great amount of energy and feeling, so the words hit me with particular strength. Had someone given me the same advice just a week ago I might have said, “ya, ya, I know.” I’ve been cultivating gratitude for years, and trying to summon all the appreciation I can for a journey that can (at times) test my patience to the extreme.

But I’ve finally had enough lightbulbs turn on above my head for me to see the biggest ramification this statement has for me. I’m certain this will apply to many others besides myself.

The VAST majority of self-critising thoughts that arise in my head come down to the comparison I make between where I am right now, and what I know I’m capable of. It’s the gap between my potential and what I am that hurts. But of course we never reach our full potential, because it expands before we reach it.

What’s so damaging is that I’m subconsciously measuring myself against a meaningless, and unattainable benchmark. The impact it has had on my self esteem is significant, but that’s not even the worst of it. What’s worse is the natural impulse to defend why I don’t always do the best I’m capable of. That is, the impulse to make excuses, which is really the same thing as telling myself I’m powerless and incapable of creating my own experiences.

I know very well how unhealthy excuse-making is, but the impulse was hard to release without awareness of where it was coming from. The best I could do was catch myself in the moment I was tempted to make an excuse, and re-direct my thoughts. Altering ones thoughts is just damage-control though. Until we change the energy that gives rise to those thoughts, we haven’t really changed.

So the long and short of it is this: Comparing yourself to a potential you’ll never reach will result in telling yourself you can’t change your experiences, which in turn will make you resistant to ANY conscious changes in your life.

Ha! No wonder I’ve been feeling like I’m on the brink of what may be my biggest transformation yet! It seems I have just found my achilles heel, along with the solution to it!

So, stop trying to reach your full potential! (lol. Is that counter-intuitive or what?) Love where you’re at and look forward to the future. It really is as simple as that.

Cheers,
Tara.

ps. “Wait a sec,” you say. “What exactly are you saying caused your excuses, in this case?” Well, if you care for technical details (personally, I love them), here they are. Because the critisism was totally unjustified, I rightfully felt a rejection of it from the very core of my being. Instead of understanding that my whole perspective was flawed, and thus letting go of the critisism, some part of me continued to believe that the critisism had some validity. Yet I still wanted to reject the critisism… so I became defensive.

Our pettiest thoughts (the ones people like to label as “ego”) are always just skewed interpretations of messages from our wiser self. If we’re too closed-minded to get what our wiser self is saying, we’ll at least hear our ego’s interpretation –which might not be so pretty. Ego thoughts, such as excuses, won’t stop until we have a little aha! moment and finally get the message from our wiser self.

We spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy trying to narrow down our options. We even consider it to be a necessary part of planning ahead. We think the future is somehow in jeopardy if we don’t pick the right option today.

Holy crap is that line of thinking unhealthy! There’s zillions of reasons why it’s self-destructive to narrow our options, and I’m not even going to touch them right now. All I’m going to say is try going the other way for a while. Widen your options as much as possible and see how fantastic it is.

There’s two scenarios that can result when we narrow our options to the extreme.

If you feel like none of your options are good, I’m willing to bet you’re a chronic Path Narrower. You’ve been fretting over what to do and narrowing your options for so long the path you’re trying to walk is like a tightrope. You absolutely must convince yourself of 2 things. One, there’s multiple solutions to every problem, even if you can’t see them. Two, some (if not all) of the options you see could actually work. They’re not as bad as they look.

If you feel overwhelmed by your decision because all of your options look pretty decent, then you’ve got to stop thinking there’s only one right decision. I assure you, any road you take will get you there in the end. Just pick one. Pick the easiest, pick the funnest, pick the cheapest, pick the sexiest, or flip a coin. I don’t care how you choose, just choose. The only wrong choice is standing there biting your lip and going no where. Should new options pop up, be delighted! Tell yourself, “see, there really are endless solutions to every problem! Yippeeeee…!”

If you want to spend your days weaving baskets and yet maintain the standard of living you have as a lawyer, then choose that! Decide that it will happen someday and imagine how it’ll feel. Just DON’T get hung up on where the money will come from, because that’s a “how.”

If you want to get your way, but you want other people to be happy too, then choose “everyone will be happy.” If you choose compromise instead, what you’re choosing is “so long as no one’s totally miserable, that’s okay.” Why on earth would you choose that as your goal?? Anything less than happy is less than what you should be aiming for. Just make your choice, open your mind to new ideas, and let things unfold.

In truth, all new ideas start out as energy perceived by our intuition. Ideas don’t originate in your head. They aren’t even your ideas, or anyone else’s! They’re just energy.

Only after your brain receives and processes new energy can a new thought occur to you. By mulling a problem over and over, you’re creating more and more of the same energy –nothing new at all!

When you listen to a friend, you stop talking. If you want to hear new ideas, you have to stop thinking –if only for a moment.

When you take some quiet time to listen, do tell yourself you’re listening. If you tell yourself you’re “not thinking,” it’s gonna be agony.

If your brain keeps chattering, then at least disassociate with it. Tell yourself it’s just neurons firing in your head out of habit, it’s not YOU thinking that nonsense. With practice, it gets easier to ignore the thoughts. (The reasons for chattering, uncontrollable thoughts can be numerous and many more blog posts.)

Don’t expect to feel like anything is happening during your quiet moments. It may take a while for your brain to finish connecting all the dots.

Finally, take note of this example. Let’s just say you spent last week deep in thought on some troubling issue. Then on Sunday, you have some quiet time and your brain receives some great new energy. You’re thinking of the subject on Tuesday when… aha! A light bulb turns on! But the aha! moment did not result from endless thinking!! It resulted from the questions you asked yourself last week and the answer you received on Sunday. You could’ve spent a total of a few minutes thinking about the issue instead of hours. Imagine the stress you’d have saved yourself!

The more you get it through your head that thinking doesn’t result in new ideas, the easier it’ll be to end habits of circular thinking.

As you know, if you put enough energy into what you want (or think you want), you’ll create it. It’s true, but there’s a catch. If you fixate on a dream that goes against your inner wisdom, the larger (and wiser!) part of you will usually veto it. Let’s say your thoughts are puting energy into one thing, while your soul is putting energy into something else. Guess what? Your soul wins.

Of course, the wiser part of you may decide it’s time your silly physical self learned a lesson. Uh oh! No veto will save you this time! “Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it!”

If you’re not getting the things you want in life, it’s really, really worth doing some serious self-reflection on what you want and why. Whatever answers come up, consider them and ask more questions. Don’t judge yourself, just be honest and dig deep.

Some things to remember:
1. It is not what we say or do, but the energy we do it with that will determine the outcome.

2. We are each responsible for how we feel. Taking responsibility for your own emotions is just as vital as letting other people take full responsibility for theirs.

3. If you blame others for how you feel, you are telling yourself you are powerless –that you lack the ability to determine your own experiences or find your own happiness. Likewise, if you accept blame for how someone else feels, you disempower that person. In both cases, you hurt yourself deeply.

4. When someone suggests you are responsible for the discontent they’re experiencing, do not feel obliged to respond immediately. Give yourself the gift of time to take deep breaths, clear your head, and summon the as much compassion as you can. Find compassion for yourself first. Next, find compassion for others. Summon both until you feel them strongly. Now the energy you speak with will be compassion, which is the strongest energy there is.

5. When you speak with compassion, people can choose not to accept what you’re offering, but they cannot truly oppose it. No one can be true to themselves when they reject compassion!

6. Notice that when you speak out of compassion for yourself, you naturally serve your best interests, and do so without being defensive. When you speak with compassion for others too, your words are gentle, powerful, and more easily heard.

7. Be true to your own desires. No one honestly wants to “win” an argument. Even when there is a strong urge to try to win (or to make them lose), you would never honestly want to hurt another person like that. No one wants an argument to end in compromise, either. Why should you aim for less than what you want, and ask others to do the same?? Compromises only create simmering discontent. What we all truly want is a resolution that allows every person to feel heard, healed, and happier. So aim for that, and let others know your intention. Let them know you don’t want to fight with them. Speak from your heart!

8.You don’t need to know how you’ll satisfy any of your desires. You just need to be true to your desires for solutions to emerge on their own. But note, your desires must be true and honest desires.

When I do readings for people struggling with obesity, I almost always see an energy imbalance. Specifically, heavier people tend to be more expressive than receptive. That is, they are exerting more energy than they allow themselves to receive. I don’t mean calories here, when I say energy I’m talking about chi. Since few people are aware of their own energy, they have no idea they’re doing it. These people are “Exhalers.”

Try exhaling deeply, but inhaling with shallow breaths. It’s uncomfortable for most people, and impossible to sustain for too long. Indeed, breathing is the primary way we move energy in and out of our bodies, so what I say about breath is more than just metaphor –it’s literally true. Exhalers will actually take very shallow breaths. At times, they seem to exhale more deeply than they inhale. (I don’t know how that’s even physically possible, but extreme Exhalers do it).

Why obesity?
In the case of obesity, Exhalers tend to overeat as a subconscious attempt to make up for the chi they aren’t intaking. Some will also binge. So they deprive themselves of chi AND food for part of the day (or days), then really overeat. Their body requires energy, and they take it in whatever form they can get it –whether or not it’s really the kind of energy their bodies require. Some Exhalers I’ve met don’t eat much though, and their health is even worse! Not at first, but if they keep it up long enough it’s like their body just gives out and their health falls apart in a dozen different ways at once. From what I’ve seen, obesity is healthier than energetic starvation.

Are you an Exhaler?
What’s it look like when people output more energy than they take in? “Exhaling” energy usually takes the form of verbal or written expression. There are other ways to exert chi energy (martyrs, for example) but the Exhaler pattern applies most to those are imbalanced because they express more than they hear. The most extreme Exhalers talk non-stop and are poor listeners. Don’t be fooled if they can sit quietly while others speak –that doesn’t mean they’re really registering what’s being said. I don’t mean to offend any Exhalers out there, I truly say this with love, but you’d all be better listeners if you were more balanced.

Teachers, writers, and public speakers are commonly Exhalers because they express themselves for a living. For the same reason, inexperienced psychics and mediums are frequently exhalers too, until they learn to balance their energy flow. Geminis are often Exhalers. School teachers struggle the most because they spend they’re days being the one “expert” in the room. Hardly conducive to developing genuine listening skills! When they listen to their students, they’re usually thinking “what does this student need to learn from me?” rather than “what is this student teaching me?” Or better yet, not thinking at all, just listening! A teacher-student relationship is so imbalanced by nature, teachers really must make a conscious effort to remain receptive in order to maintain their well-being.

How about other forms of expression? Artists can be Exhalers too, but then they run out of inspiration. New ideas –from within ourselves or from others– can only emerge while we’re receptive. Artists (and I’m lumping all the fine arts together here) tend not to get as out of balanced as teachers because it’s so hard for them to continue working until they “inhale” again.

Of course, you don’t have to be one of these professions to be an Exhaler. I’m just pulling the most obvious examples. The Exhalers most at risk of harming their health are the ones making their living by expressing ideas or emotions though. If that’s your day job, you’ll have to make a conscious effort to re-fuel your energy to maintain well-being.

A Dead Give Away You’ve Got an Exhaler
When I’m doing a reading, there’s one behaviour that’s a dead give-away my client is an Exhaler, and I spot it in under a minute. As I talk, they constantly make noises like, “uh-huh,” or “ya” to let me know they understand what I’m saying, and agree with me. The irony of course is that they really don’t get what I’m saying at all. Sure, they understand my words on an intellectual level, but nothing is sinking in. Like a shallow breath, it just doesn’t go deep enough. I can be offering them the most powerful, life-altering insights they’ve ever received and they’re un-phased because nothing I’m saying is getting integrated into their being.

What to Do About It! Balancing Your Breath
Anyhow, if you’re an exhaler, what do you do about? Breath in!! And breathe deep, right down to your belly!! Breath out just as deeply, too. Ideally, your inhale and exhales will be of similar length and gusto.

Seriously, it’s about as simple as that. The lower chakras are where we integrate all of our experiences. That is, we digest everything with our lower abdomen, not just food. You can activate those chakras by taking deep, belly breaths. Not just now and then but as often as possible; bring your attention to your breath and breathe deep. Make the effect more powerful by visualizing a bright light that grows with in your abdomen as you do it, and set an intention to intake whatever form of energy your body may need.

Finally, you have to make appropriate changes in your behaviour, to make all that beautiful belly-breathing stick. So when you listen, really challenge yourself to listen with your whole being. How? Try to feel the words sinking into your very cells. Be an observer to the experience and only an observer. When you catch yourself thinking about how you’ll respond, or what you think about what’s being said, etc. just take note of the fact that you’re thinking instead of listening. Let the thoughts drop and go back to listening.

Be patient with yourself. Old habits take a while to break.

My friend had also asked everyone who was gathering with him on the winter solstice last week to share a story of a miracle they’d experienced. This is the one I chose to share, and some of the insights into it that I’ve just recently received. It is to me, the more direct experience I’ve ever had with the Divine.

My Archangel Rafael Story
It was November of last year (2009) and I’d just gotten home from somewhere, I don’t recall. As I stopped the car, I suddenly got the urge to meditate for a little while, and connect with Spirit. Right there, right then, in a car parked in a dark garage.

I had only just begun studying mediumship (the act of connecting with spirits in other realms) that September, so it was all still very new to me. I went through the process of raising my energy levels and such, as I’d learned to do in my mediumship classes. What I felt was a green light fall around me, and the presence of Archangel Rafael. I’d never consciously felt an Archangel before so I had no clue how I knew who it was that I felt but it was absolutely crystal clear to me that Archangel Rafael was with me.

I felt him gradually draw nearer to me, until he was superimposed over my own energy (as spirits typically do when practising mediumship). What loving, calm, healing energy! Then he pulled my hands up so that I held them in front of me, palms open and positioned to receive something. In them he placed a huge, glimmering emerald the size of a tennis ball.

For a few minutes, I just sat there feeling the phenomenal power of the gift he was giving me. Then he slowly began drawing my hands towards my heart. He stopped when the emerald reached the threshold of my heart, giving me the choice whether or not I wanted to place it in there. Today, I have a better appreciation for the importance of making deliberate choices about anything that fundamentally changes us, but at the time it perplexed me a little. “Why would he stop? Could there really be any uncertainty about where this emerald ought to go?!” Anyhow, without hesitation, I brought my hands to my chest, and the emerald to my heart.

What I felt at that moment can only be described as “mind blowing.” Such light radiated from the emerald, it was like a green supernova going off in my chest! Words came to me, as if from some place within me far, far more knowing than anything I normally experience, “I am Rafael.” For that moment, I was Rafael without any distinction between us. The joy was so powerful it was incomprehensible to me. I couldn’t sustain it. After just a few seconds I pulled back and he was suddenly some small distance away. He stayed with me for a while, while I took in what happened. Even now, when I speak about what it felt like, my voice trembles a little and I feel tears prickling in my eyes.

“Uh… what the heck just happened…?”
As I sat there, I felt so tremendously honoured. But I had to ask what just happened, and why. The only answer I got was that I needed the experience to know how valued and admired I am by Spirit. Rafael wanted to honour me, so that I would see for myself that I deserved it. Of course, everyone is so valued, loved, and deserving. So while I gratefully accepted the assistance in valuing and appreciating myself, the question still persisted. Why did that specific experience happen to me, specifically?

It’s a question that’s come to mind on repeated occasions ever since.

A Satisfying Answer
My question was only just answered early this morning, as I lie awake in bed unable to sleep. Well actually the first part of the answer came to me a few days ago, but the rest sunk in about an hour ago.

First, I had an insight the other day into what I am. Some people may be angels, faeries, or other beautiful, sublime beings here in human form for one or more lifetimes. I am simply Heart Chakra energy. That is what I am. (lol! A heart chakra with an ego and all the weaknesses I need to have a full, rich, and rewarding human experience, but a heart chakra nonetheless.) I’m still trying to wrap my head around what that means, exactly, but I think I understand it well enough for now.

So that answers my question, “Why me, specifically?”

Second, the emerald I received awakened in me an awareness of the energy that I am. It also makes it easier for me to connect with that which I truly am, and use my words to heal people.

Which answers “Why that experience, specifically?”

It also answers “Why Rafael?” (because he’s a healer), and why I am continually being pushed to speak my heart (because that’s how I heal others).

Aaaahhh… a good question answered. Feels nice.

Now to go feed my waking baby and get my day underway.

(ps. What I found so silly about my childhood definition… What’s beyond physics? Nothing, it’s our understanding of physics that’s limited. And what could happen without “God” –or whatever word you like to use to describe divinity– making it happen? Well, nothing. )

“I just can’t get out of debt!” people might say. Or, “I’m so sick of dating these jerks! When will I ever meet a guy who’s honest?” Or, “No, no, this one had nothing to do with me. She was just being totally vicious.” And my favourite, the ever-common, “I’m tired of getting my heart broken! I don’t want to care too much and get hurt again.”

Look, the law of attraction doesn’t just apply on occasion, or when things go as we’d hoped. It applies all the time. It’s in effect every hour of every day, regardless of how that day goes. When people applaud us, it’s a reaction to the vibes we’re sending out. When they abuse us, it’s a reaction to the vibes we’re sending out. When they love us, when they misunderstand us, when they help us back on our feet it’s a reaction to the vibes we’re sending out. When our health goes downhill, when we lose our job, when our car breaks down, it’s in reaction to the vibes we’re sending out. And that’s a good thing.

The first step to mastering the law of attraction is to let it sink in that nothing you’ve ever experienced could have occurred without your participation.

When we accept the fact that we’re really, truly sitting in the driver’s seat, we can finally begin learning to drive –that is, learning how to utilize the Law of Attraction to live a deeply fulfilling life. So long as we think someone (or something) else could be driving the course of our life for us, we’re just going to keep running headlong into collisions without ever learning from them.

Of course there are plenty of times when life doesn’t appear to be following the Law of Attraction. Rather than assuming there’s exceptions to the Law, try assuming there must be subtleties to its application you don’t understand yet.  Next thing you know you’ll be looking for, and soon finding, a better understanding of how the Law of Attraction applies. I’ll address some of the apparent exceptions to the Law of Attraction in my next post, and show how there are in fact no exceptions at all.

Many teachers harp on the importance of avoiding words like ‘not,’ ‘can’t,’ ‘never,’ ‘won’t’ because they’re often used to articulate thoughts that manifest undesired experiences. The reasoning is that when we change our wording we change our thoughts. It’s true enough, but it’s also a pretty superficial shift in attitude. I’d rather encourage people to make deeper changes.

Change the way you see your role in your own life, and accept yourself as having participated in all that you’ve ever experienced. Accept that you have the ultimate say in what happens to you in the future.

Accept yourself as having participated in all you’ve ever experienced, and out of necessity you’ll have to learn to forgive yourself. Learn to forgive yourself, and you’ll automatically learn to forgive others, too.

Change the way you process your experiences, viewing them as continuous feedback on what type of energy dominates the vibes you’re putting out.

Change the way you view your emotions, using them as instant indicators of where your energy is at. When you feel irritated by someone, begin asking what that tells you about yourself rather than what that tells you about them.

Create a habit of looking at your experiences to understand your subconsciously held beliefs.

Change how you perceive cause-and-effect of daily events to include the Law of Attraction as the primary cause for everything, and life’s mysteries will reveal themselves to you one by one.

In summary, rather than trying to just “talk the talk,” challenge yourself to “walk the talk” by genuinely changing how you perceive yourself and your world. Changes in your wording will follow naturally. When you do catch yourself saying something negative, take note of the negative beliefs that must be behind the statement. With self awareness, you can address unhealthy beliefs and bring about genuine change. Suppressing or denying a negative belief by putting rosier words on top of it isn’t going to make much of a difference to your experiences.

“It’s never too late for a happy childhood,” she said.

“Never…?” I thought. “I’m an adult… how…?” Immediately, it was a statement I wanted dearly to believe. It was also a statement I found impossible to accept as remotely plausible.

The idea was just too compelling for me to dismiss. Five years ago, I still felt the heavy weight of wrenching memories, too numerous to count. Always hell-bent on personal growth, I never doubted that I’d be able to look back someday without stabs of pain. Wynonna’s statement made me really stop and think about achieving more than the mere absence of pain, but to actually possess a storehouse of happy thoughts in the form of joyful memories.

I imagined what it might mean to have a happy childhood. Perhaps I’d be able to relate better to other people’s nostalgia, or smile as I reminisced on my own life. Or maybe I’d just feel more complete, like I never missed out on anything.

She spoke of her own healing process without directly defending the remark. The way she left it with the audience, it felt like an open challenge for each of us to find our own truth in what she’d said. And I most definitely wanted to.

Her words continue to come to mind today, cropping up whenever I need to confront any part of me that still opposes their veracity. Wynonna never said you could have a happy childhood over night, and just figuring out how to create one has taken me five years and counting. Do I have a happy childhood yet? Not quite, but looking back it’s much, much happier than it use to be and I no longer resist the changes I need to make in order for my past to feel even better. So there’s been significant progress.

I’d like to share a few of the thoughts and perspectives I came to adopt over the years as I challenged myself to do more than let go of the past, but to actually create a genuinely happy one. Some are a little esoteric, some are straight forward, all of them have been crucial to my healing process.

Idea #1: The past isn’t real. Seriously, it’s not. It used to be, but not anymore. The only thing that is real, and true, is the Here and Now. How could it be any other way? It really is just a simple fact that what we call the “past” and “future” physically are nothing more than mere notions in our head.

Idea #2: Because a past experience no longer exists, our past can’t possibly be how we experienced it at the time. The past is how we remember it today, because that’s all that remains.

Idea #3: There is no dishonesty in re-writing your own memories. Of course, trying to re-write other people’s history or impose our version of the past on others (the way holocaust deniers do, for example) can be harmful, and we’ve no right to do that. But re-writing our own past is fair game. There’s no objective truth in our memories anyway!

Idea #4: Those Buddhist monks are right. Reality is subjective. “Truth” is entirely dependant upon the perceptions of the observer. So it only makes sense to accept something as true if it serves us in some way. If it doesn’t serve us to believe that it’s true, presume it to be false. If the way we perceive our past doesn’t serve us, why accept it as inalterable? Indeed, why accept it as truth at all?

Idea #5: Reflecting upon past hurts certainly reveals lessons at times, but that’s no reason to hang onto them! (This was a really tough one for me to accept). I was afraid that if I let go of my pain, I’d lose sight of what I’ve lived through. The opposite is true. Only by trying to let go of the pain for good have I discovered the full extent of the damage done, and seen a larger picture.

Ideal #6: It feels really good to hug your younger-self. If you haven’t done it before, try it right now! Think back to when you were hurt, alone, or perhaps unsupported. Imagine your past self vividly, and then imagine giving that younger-you a hug. It feels fantastic! You might even imagine yourself saying something younger-you really needed to hear. Notice how good that feels. This is truth! Anything that genuinely feels good clearly serves us. Make it your truth.

Idea #7: Each time you remember a past hurt and imagine an alternate (happier) ending for that scenario, you are subtly changing the feelings associated with those memories, and thus changing which emotions the memories evoke. (You’re not going to become dellusional or lose sight of the events that unfolded. You’ll just feel healthier as you think them over.)

Idea #8: Find a nice, hard covered journal that’s sturdy enough to last a long time. Start making a list inside it of happy memories. This simple task turned out to be far more powerful than I’d ever imagined. Memories on the list can include small, ordinary moments as well as big dramatic ones, just so long as the memories each hold some joy for you without any dark undertones. You don’t need to go into huge detail, just a sentence or short paragraph on each that’ll jog your memory. It took me months to come up with the first five because I was so depressed at the time. After that they came more easily. Not only is it therapeutic to keep the list, it can lead to some profound realizations. Try it and see for yourself.